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Fiction

You Need to be Punished

Whips and chains hung from the wall as I looked down at my love as she slept, her light lashes gently folded onto the top of her plump cheeks and her golden hair fanning out on the floor. Her round ass stuck up in the air as her leg fell in front of the other, her side flattening against the ground. Though I had yet to do anything to her tonight, I could already feel my cock twitching with want, my ears yearning to hear the crescendo of her lusty moans.
Not having the patience to wait a moment longer, I grabbed a small whip from the wall and swatted her ass.
“Get up!” I barked as her body jerked awake, a small, red splotch formed on the curve of her butt cheek just beneath the black material of her skimpy thong.
Julie’s brown eyes looked up at me with a mixture of pain and ignited excitement. I furrowed my dark brows together and stared at her with a stony expression, waiting for her to present herself to me. After a couple seconds of fruitless waiting, I raised the whip high above my head and brought it cracking down on her rear once more. With the slap of the whip against her flesh, my pet squeaked with surprise and fumbled into position: her knees spread as she rested her stinging ass on the back of her heels, the back of her open hands resting on her knees as she looked up at me.
I smirked at her submission and ran the end of the stiff whip beneath her chin, forcing her head up higher. I stared into her brown eyes with my black ones, taking note that her small breasts were heaving with anticipation, easily contained in the small cups of lace that draped around her shoulders.
“You know better than that,” I scolded her as the whip ran down her neck and over her breasts, pulling down the lace to reveal her hardened nipples. “Making me wait for you to present yourself is unacceptable and you need to be punished.”
Her pert nipples were standing proud, topping the white globes of her breast like pink M&Ms. To set an example of what her punishment would be, I let the whip flash across her already hard nipples and heard her gasp as they became harder still. The whip cracked against her nipples a few more times, the skin around them turning red as cherries.
For a time, my whip nudged and circled her richly colored tips before I led the end of my toy to her moistened mound, pushing aside the wet material of her gusset to produce her glistening pussy. I smirked once more at the sight of her pink slit, the lips plump and begging to be sucked on.
My whip bounced against her sensitive clit and she visibly shuddered at the touch, her eyes fluttering shut with ecstasy as her mouth dropped open. I let the toy tap against her pleasure center and could not stop myself from smiling when I heard her throaty moan of lust.
“Stand up,” I ordered her, withdrawing the whip from the apex of her thighs, much to her disappointment. Without a moment’s hesitation, Julie stood at attention and waited for her next instruction, her palms open to me. “Go over to the bed and wait for me there.”
“Yes, Master,” she replied before backing away a few steps and turning to walk to our bed.
My pet stood next to one of the pillars of our four-poster bed, patiently waiting for me, her palms still presented to me as her eyes were staring at the floor. I placed the whip on the wall and strutted over to the bed, sitting on the edge of the mattress as I stared hard at her. I needed not to ask her if she saw me, I knew that she could since I was right in front of her.
After a moment of silence, I order her over my knee. “Wh-w-what?” her shaky voice stuttered out to me.
“Over my knee,” I repeated with more force than before, making sure that she knew I was serious about this command.
Julie’s doe-like eyes stared at me in disbelief before she reluctantly obeyed my order and laid her torso across my lap, her thinly covered cunt resting against my thigh.
I let my gaze wander down the length of her spine, her soft flesh smooth and spotted with small moles about her shoulders, the black straps of her bra accentuating her complexion with its striking contrast.
“Beautiful…,” I whispered, my calloused fingers petting along her skin in long strokes, the pads grazing her back with tenderness.
My hand soon ran over the curve of her ass and I let my entire hand squeeze each globe, feeling the flesh bunch against my palm.
“But you’ve been a very bad girl, Julie,” my fingers tensing with the anger in my voice.
Without a hint of caution to the wind, I raised my hand and let it crash against her rear, still blotched with the prints of my whip, her body jerking at the sudden sting of her behind.
“And now,” I grunted through my teeth, spanking her between my words, “you need,” I spanked her once more, with more force, “to be punished!”
As I finished my sentence, Julie was shivering with arousal, her cunny seeping so much fluid that I was feeling the dampness on my pant leg. My hand smacked her skin once more before waiting for her voice. When I didn’t hear her squeak out a number, I used my other hand to pull on her hair, pulling her head back far enough to stretch her neck, but not enough to hurt her.
“You know the rules,” I hissed in her ear, sinking my digits into her canal with the material of the thong surrounding them.
Julie yelped and pushed her body onto my fingers as I stroked them through her pussy.
“How many?” I questioned her through gritted teeth, my fist full of hair pulling her head back further.
“F-fo-four!” she blurted out as tears of pleasurable pain gathered in her eyes, my fingers rubbing her g-spot through the fabric.
“Say again?!” I shouted at her.
“Four, Master! Master, there were four of them!” her tiny, high-strung voice called through the haze of feeling my thick fingers in her moist pussy.
Having a suffice answer, I withdrew my fingers and began my assault on her bright pink ass.
“Five! Six! Seven! Eight! Nine!” she called with effort as her voice rose with the numbers, her butt rising to meet my hand sooner.
“Thirty!” my pet gasped with a tear rolling down her cheek before I let my hand soothingly rub her agitated skin.
As my hand rubbed in circles, Julie let her hips grind into my thigh in attempts to have the burning itch of her pussy satisfied.
“Sit still,” my cool voice commanded of her after a few minutes of rubbing her backside.
The faint glow of her red skin had died down now and I let my fingers hook beneath the side straps of her small thong. I dragged the fabric over her hips and down her tapered legs, letting gravity pull the cloth from around her small ankles.
Now that her pussy was fully exposed, I let my eyes feast upon her inviting hole, juices coating her inner thighs. My cock throbbed and leaked into my boxers as my pink tongue flew out to roll over my lips, tempted to stretch out and bathe my love’s now-puffy labia with my spit.
Resisting my urges, I gave each cheek a couple more smacks of my hand. My pet dutifully counted through her short breath and I rewarded her by rubbing the prints that I had just left behind. As my palm calmed her flesh, I gave into temptation and let my hand cup her shaved pussy. I stroked two fingers at a time through her aching pussy as even more of her pussy juice leaked onto her thighs, her hand unconsciously grabbing my hard cock.
My fingers stroked faster and faster as her hips gyrated against my thigh and fingers, my hand practically covered with her natural honey. My other hand reached beneath her and I began to rub her hardened clit with gusto, a new assault of slaps landing on the concentrated region.
Julie mewled and purred at my manipulation and began to lose her voice, her body unable to find the noise to show how my hands were pleasing to her soul. I knew her body was so close to the edge and I needed to see her reach her climax—my body craved to see her lithe form squirming with spasms of euphoric pleasure.
Knowing that she was tipping over the edge, I thrust three of my fingers deep into her awaiting hole and massaged her velvetine walls with unbelievable speed. Within a matter of seconds, she reached her crescendo and screamed as her pussy squirted out a cup of her womanly liquid.
Coming down from her climax, Julie twitched and shivered under my touch, my lips gently brushing against her shoulder blade.
“Mmm,” I purred into her ear as her body continued to quake for me, “let it all out baby girl. Come for me.”

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Fantasy

With the Mirror Came.. Chapter 5

This is a story about explicit sex and other adult only things. If you are underage or offended by such material you should stop reading now. The story, setting and characters have been made by the author and all rights are reserved.

Fiction

Meat Feast – Part 2

Connor was 16. 6 Foot, brown eyes, Not bad looking either. Not athletic, but certainly not fat. More than anything, he was an academic. He got the grades.
His brother, Cooper was 2 years older. Loved sport, about 2 inches taller and toned. HE was the pretty boy with blue eyes and blond hair everyone loves.
It is suggested you read Part 1 Via my Profile. Enjoy!
_____________________________________
They both jumped. How long had they been on the floor together?
Connor jumped up and pulled his discarded shorts on buttoning them up as he headed for the front door. Cooper gathered together his brothers shirt and his own jockstrap and threw them to the side of the sofa and move away to the other door his dick flopping from side to side.
As Connor reached the door he passed the hall mirror. He saw his hair was all over the place and essentially drenched in sweat. With little time to do much about it he reached for the door handle and turned.
“Pizza!” Chimed a young Brazilian guy.
“Oh, errr…right” Connor said. “You’d better come in whilst i find you what i owe you”
Connor showed the pizza boy to the lounge – checking inside that the coast was clear before the guy managed to follow him into the room.
“Let me just fetch you……?”
“7 quid” the pizza man replied.
Connor left the room and headed off to find his brother, or at least where he had left the money for the pizza – The kitchen seemed like a likely place.
Cooper though was not in the kitchen, he was standing in the other hall just off the lounge. There wasn’t anywhere he could really go. He would have been seen should he have headed up the stairs by the door. This corridor lead to the kitchen and a few other rooms. Best not go to the kitchen lest the pizza boy went in there. No. It was safest to stand in this hall, still naked and wait.
During his wait the pizza man had noticed a bright green item poking out by one of the couches. Intrigued (as any would) we went over to investigate. Prodding it with his trainer he saw it was a shirt. But not just a shirt. There was something else. A white, underside or something.
Bending down, he moved the shirt enough to reveal coopers jockstrap. Slightly surprised, he reached out curiously and picked it up between two of his fingers.
Straightening up now, he sniffed tentatively at the jocks. Nothing horrible, in fact….there was a sorta homey smell about it. He sniffed again. Yes, it definitely was an appealing smell. Not too strong but good. He fell into the sofa ready to drop them to the side when he heard the footsteps of the young lad.
Connor was searching frantically through the kitchen now – not really making an effort to hide the noises of his frustration. Cooper was hearing this, and as most would, assumed they were both in the kitchen at the source of the noises. Now seemed an apt opportunity to make a break for the next floor…whilst there was a distraction. He padded quietly down the corridor – back towards the lounge. Just before though, he did poke his head round the door and seeing no 6ft man standing around in the room waiting to get paid assumed no-one was around. In fact – There was. That very 6ft Brazilian man was sitting (slumped) on the couch whose back was to the door from which cooper was now approaching from. He now had his nose buried in the codpiece of the jockstrap.
It’s hard to know who saw the other first. He shot to his feet in surprise, flinging the jocks back into the chair in an attempt to hide them. Cooper was riveted to the spot caught naked in his own living room. His eyes followed the jockstraps flight into the back of the sofa. The young Brazilian looked positively petrified of the taller, muscular man in-front of him.
“Urrrr….Hi, I’m just waiting for” He pointed to the pizza on the coffee table and averted his eyes to the ground. Except he never got that far. A long soft object was swinging gently to and fro before his eyes. He was transfixed to it.
“Right.” Cooper said now realising that the man had only just realised he was standing there in full glory. Feeling obliged to defend himself now, he said “Oh yea? well what were you doing…..Carlos” He snapped reading the name tag. “Smelling my dirty jockstrap?”
“Yes” he said simply.
Carlos was 6ft. Very well Tan due to the fact he was Brazilian. Probably very early 20’s by the face. His shirt sleeves were tight about his arms showing strong biceps underneath.
Cooper, surprised at this reply was taken off-guard momentarily. It was a….stirring reply. And to add to the surprise, he felt his own penis begin to fill with blood and lengthen.
Downwards his penis began growing before rising gracefully to a 90 degree angle to his body, pointing out 9 inches to Carlos. And this, was all happening before Carlos’s eyes, and he felt his own following suit in his tight jeans. He would be seen, and he knew it as his own dick began to strain against the material making a slight tent.
Breathless with his own embarrassment, Cooper noticed this slight change in comfort and followed the restless hands to his sides and then spotted the tent. A urge similar to when he felt when his brothers hand wrap around his shaft resurfaced. And just like then he found himself out of control. The pulsating trunk covering half the distance between the two young men was in control now.
He stretched out his hand slowly, his eyes on the face of Carlos who watched it approach his crotch.
He began to rub the hard dick through the denim and cooper moved closer so that he was standing above Carlos. They were looked into each others faces, feeling the warm fast breaths of the other on their faces. Several moments passed. and then unexpectedly, Carlos moved onto his toes so that their lips met.
They breathed into each others mouth as their lips pressed together. Cooper felt a hand on the back of his head as a wet tongue prodded at his lips. He opened up and passion poured between the two. Cooper moved his hands to the round ass and began to force Carlos to walk backwards. Obligingly, he walked blindly backwards enjoying the kiss and two large hands squeezing large portions of his ass. They fell together over the arm of the sofa.
They broke the kiss and Cooper laughed whilst gazing into Carlos eyes as he lay on-top of the hot Brazilian man. Cooper sat back on his legs and pulled at the bottom of his shirt-ed counterpart. Closing his eyes breathing heavily Carlos helped remove his pizza shirt, exposing large arms, pecks and washboard abs. The lust in the air was measurable.
Cooper was getting restless, he wanted – NO! He needed to see that dark dick, to feel it, to have it radiate its warmth in his mouth, down his throat….In his ass.
He stood. “Take ’em off” he ordered.
Without wasting any time, the jeans were off and so were the tented Boxers. Cooper hardly had enough time to catch a glance before his body was pressed against warm bare skin and the object he desired so much was pressing into his stomach, and knocking into his own cock. His hand slid down between them, and grasped both of them together. Carlos’s long, dark brown tool felt just short of his own, yet much thicker. He could feel the black hair tickling his hand half way up the man’s shaft. Surely hair never grew that high up? He began to pump his fist, masturbating both of the dicks together – Lubricated by the precum dripping from the top of each mans purple head.
After a few minutes of this, and a lot more kissing, he slid his way down Carlos body nibbling his nipples set prominently on the pectorals, kissing and licking his way down the bumpy abs to the prize he was yet to see. He closed his eyes just before his nose buried itself in the mess of black curly hair and he felt the head going off to one side of his neck. He took a long deep sniff before licking his way to the top and opening his eyes. Magnificent. A crisp, dark brown body attached to a lighter, hot head. Sighing deeply he took the beauty into his mouth and sucked the stringy precum from it and then began working his way slowly down the length whilst his hands played with the ass inches from his mouth.
Connor had been going crazy. No money, no brother. He going to give up. So back to the lounge he went were he stood in the door way transfixed by the sight in front of him.
That was just after they had both fell onto the sofa. Connor had now progressed to removing his shorts and sporting a very hard, very long, VERY horny penis. He couldn’t take it anymore, seeing his brother sucking that dick was too much. He moved over his body touching Carlos, who opened his eyes and smiled.
Connor started playing with his brothers hair before gently pulling it off Carlos’s pole and moving it over to his.
Wondering what was going on, Cooper had opened his eyes and beamed upwards at his brother.
After a while, Carlos went round the back of the slutty elder brother, laid on the ground and moved awkwardly back so that his face lay under the slightly bobbing ass of the hotter (in his opinion) brother.
He stuck out his tongue. And, for the second time that night – Coopers mind was sent reeling as his throat was stuffed up with dick, his sphincter was getting abused by a hot, slimy tongue. Except this time – It wasn’t his brother at either end. It was a complete stranger. A complete Brazilian stranger. and that made things so much hotter. He began to moan through his brothers penis with every lap Carlos’s tongue did of his hole. These moans vibrated Connors dick and sent him into even more pleasure.
Then, there was a finger pushing gently on the wet, but still tight hole. He pulled off his brothers dick with a pop and let out a very heavy sigh when the finger squirmed its way in.
“No” Cooper said. “Don’t. Just ram me full of your exotic meat”
All three of them moved. Cooper was positioned so that he he was resting on the coffee table his ass raised a little for Carlos.
He placed his head at the slippery entrance and began moving forwards.The ass cheeks began to part around the column attempting to enter. A long hissing intake of breath escaped Coopers mouth as he head struggled to get in.
Connor Hurried away as Cooper began to plea for the other 8 inches.
Carlos bent down so that he wrapped his arms around the muscular chest beneath him, and he moved his hips forward.
FUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKK
This Hot immigrant’s fucking huge brown pole was in the deep recesses of his colon tearing his ass in two much stronger than his brother had managed too earlier that night. He skin around his man pussy was almost screaming with the tension.
But it was good pain. Very intense pain that he knew would soon enough become pleasure. But now there was a new feeling. He felt like he was getting blocked up. Carlos was driving back a turd, back into the intestine from whence it came. But he didn’t care. That same limo was rubbing against the perfect spot. He had never felt so filled up and yet in so much pain. Never had he he had such a hard erection even with the pain. Never had he felt so…….So…..MANLY!!!
Two large, hairy balls now tickled his hole. He almost wished they would pop into his ass too, just to see if he could get another inch or two of length from this fuck stick. But too late, for Carlos had started retreating all the way until Cooper felt the ridge of his head clung to by his sphincter. And then carlos began to go back in – a little faster then before. Connor was getting Long-dicked (Verylong-Dicked?) and the rubbing against his G-spot made him throw his head back breathing heavily.
Connor moved back into the room and Carlos gasped a little as a cool finger traveled the gap between his cheeks smearing something around. After Connor felt good and ready, he stood behind Carlos who was tall enough because he was still across the top of cooper. Lining up his shot, Connor felt different. He Rammed his dick into Carlos’s Virgin asshole, tearing as it went.
A Scream went up from the front as Connor’s dick sat completely in the warm dark cave it had come to love living in. But Carlos didn’t do anything, merely bit his lip and began to saw his own ass in two with the same strokes he was using to fuck the shit back in cooper.
Grunts from Carlos started once he began picking up the pace. Moans from Cooper.
Then, Connor decided he wanted to start fucking someone, instead of getting his dick fucked. As Carlos was coming to his deep he rammed forwards – meeting Carlos midway.
“AHHHH” yelped Carlos, But didn’t not stop. He thrust harder into Cooper and back again. Connor Copied and was slamming into Carlos. Two sets of balls were swelling and slapping against asses.
Cooper was breathing heavily and murmuring “Fuck me. Fuck me. Oh yeah, Slam that dick deep inside me”. Carlos had beads of sweat on his face, and shining on his pecks (He had straightened up). He had groans, grunts and moans escaping his lips, whilst Connor stood at the rear pumping hard concentrating.
After several more intense minutes Connor whispered something in Carlos’s Ear, he nodded and pulled out of Cooper, who lay there on the table breathing hard in pure ecstacy – not looking up.
“Get over here” shouted Connor.
Pulling himself up, he moved over to the couch where Connor lay on his back, dick erect and sat on his stomach – facing him. He felt a slightly thinner dick poking around his restless, gaping hole. But then, it was a bigger dick. A much MUCH bigger dick stretching him.
FUUUUUCCCCCKKKKK MEE Screamed Cooper as this new, bigger dick began tearing more of him than every before apart.
“That’s what we plan on doing” got whispered into his ear by his younger brother.
We? AHHHHH! YES!!!!!!!! It was like a new found dream. Getting Double Penetrated by his brother, and a Brazilian. Interracial Incest. Fucking hot.
The two dicks began pumping at odd timings, one always in the deepest parts of his ass. Both rubbing different sides of his prostate.
AHHHHHHHhHHHH FUCK THIS IS AMAZING. yelled Cooper only to be greeted with grunts from his two dominatrices.
They both increased their speed as much as they could so that they were literally sawing his ass. In and out.
FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK YEA. FUCK MY ASS YOU HOT BLACK MAN. SAW IT IN TWO WITH MY YOUNGER BROTHER. FUCKING YES. FUCK ME TO DEATH!
Both Carlos and Connor exchanged looks and they both began pumping harder and harder, faster and faster.
Carlos was first, and rammed in all the way. He Grunted and moaned loudly as he let 5 thick, hot ropes of his nut deep into this hot little stud’s ass. Connor felt this new warmth and couldn’t hold on any more. He too rammed all the way in, but unleashed 8 Jets of steaming Cum into the mass already mixing with the pussy’s juices.
Together, they pulled out of the now, cavernous hole. A great sigh met them as they did. Connor moved out from underneath and together they both licked and stroked coopers Cock whilst he squirmed underneath. It didn’t take long until spurts of cum landed over his chest and, in the 3rd case, into his moaning mouth. Cum began oozing out of his ass onto the rug beneath him. Carlos and Connor Slumped either side of Cooper. Smiling – Exhausted.
They all fell asleep in one another’s hot embrace. Cum getting smeared on them from the chest and floor during their sleep.
_________
To be Concluded…..Rate. Comment. 🙂

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Sex Joke

Long Funny Sex Jokes

Christmas Eve
A man is about to jump off London Bridge when he hears a voice behind him. It’s Santa Claus.
“Why do this? It’s Christmas Eve?” Santa says.
“Because I’ve lost my job, ” the man answered, ” my wife has left me, and I have no presents for the kids.”
“Ah, I can grant you 3 wishes, ” replied Santa, “So when you get up tomorrow your job will be there, your wife will be waiting for you, and there’ll be presents for the children.”
“Oh Santa – however can I repay you?” gasped the man.
“Well – not a lot of people know this, ” came the reply, “But old Santa is gay, you could bend over for me, the elves aren’t much good at it.”
“Dunno ’bout that, ” the man said.
“Oh, go on, ” Santa urged, “After all – I granted you 3 wishes, don’t be so ungrateful.”
“Ok, ” the man sighed, as he unzipped his trousers.
Santa did the biz and when he finished the man pulled his trousers back up.
Santa looks at the man and asks “How old are you?”
“47, ” came the reply.
“What? And you still believe in Santa Claus?”
—————————————————————————————————————————————————————-
Rabbit Hole
Three brothers are traveling along a road, and their car dies. They all get out of the car, and start walking to a barn that’s a little ways away. When they get their, the farmer comes out of the barn, and offers them a room for one night.
He says to the first one, “You can sleep with the pigs,” the second guy,” you can sleep with the cows”, and the third guy, “I like the cut of your jib. You can sleep with my 18 duaghters.”
The next morning, he asks everyone how they slept. The first man said, “I slept like a pig.”
The second man said ,”I slept like a cow.”
The third guy said, “I slept like a rabbit. I jumped from hole, to hole, to hole.”
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A night with the princess
A King had to leave his Kingdom for some business. He was afraid that his only Daughter would be taken advantage of by some of the Guards because she was a very deep sleeper. So before he left, he slipped a razor blade between the lips of her vagina.
The King left. That night, three of the Guards did plan to Fuck the Princess.
The First Guard went into her room. From outside of the room, the other two Guards listened. Suddenly, they heard the First Guard scream. He came out. The other two Guards asked why he screamed. Embarrassed, he said that it was so good that he couldn’t control himself. This made the other two smile.
The Second Guard went in. After some time? Ahhhhh!!! The Second Guard came out. The Third Guard asked what happened. Just as embarrassed as the First Guard, the Second Guard said that it felt so good that he couldn’t control himself. The Third Guard smiled.
The Third Guard went into the room. He went up to the Princess and lifted her dress. Outside, the other two Guards listened. Mmmmmhhhh!?! The other two Guards took off! The next morning, the King came back. He suspected that his Guards tried to fuck his daughter. He told them to drop their pants. Each of them did. Two of them had sliced dicks, but the third one didn?t. Confused, the King asked why. He stuck his tongue out and said, ?I neba pry fuk ur dahta, I wet lik ur dahta?!
—————————————————————————————————————————————————————-
The Pickle Man
This couple comes to a new town and the guy gets a job at the local pickle factory. A few years go by and each year he wins the employee of the year award. One day in the 3rd year, he comes home looking all depressed.
His wife asks him what the matter is, to which he responds that he got fired.
“FIRED?!? How can you get fired, you’re always employee of the year!!” she asked, stunned.
To this he responds that he had another fantasy that he needed to fulfill and it got him fired…
“Oh no, not again…What did you do this time?” she asks.
Well, I always fantasized about sticking my willy in the pickle slicer.
“You didn’t!” she hoped.
He blushed and replied, “Well, yes I did.”
Then she asks, “Did it hurt?”
“No no really,” answers the man.
Puzzled she then asks, “Well what happened to the pickle slicer??”
He answers, “Oh, *she* got fired too!”
—————————————————————————————————————————————————————-
Psychiatrist Observations
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three young mothers and their small children.
“You all have obsessions,” he observed.
To the first mother, he said, “You are obsessed with eating. You’ve even named your daughter Candy.”
He turned to the second mom. “Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child’s name, Penny.”
At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, “Come on, Dick, let’s go.”
—————————————————————————————————————————————————————-
Baby Hermaphrodite
A woman gives birth to a baby, and afterwards, the doctor comes in and he says, “I have to tell you something about your baby.”
The woman sits up in bed and says, “What’s wrong with my baby doctor? What’s wrong?”
The doctor says, “Well, now, nothing’s wrong, exactly, but your baby is a little bit different. Your baby is a hermaphrodite.”
The woman is confused. “A hermaphrodite….. what’s that?”
The doctor replies, “Well, it means your baby has the…….er……features….of a male and a female.”
The woman turns pale. She says, “Oh MY GOD! you mean it has a penis….. AND a brain.
—————————————————————————————————————————————————————-
I Don’t Think So!
Kate was standing in the kitchen cooking dinner.
Her husband Paul was in the living room drinking a beer and watching the game.
“Honey, you need to come in here and fix the fridge. The door is broke and if you don’t fix it the food will go bad.” Kate said.
Paul yells back, “Who do I look like the GE man, I Don’t think so.”
A little while later Kate says, “Honey, you need to fix the hall light, it’s out.”
“Who do I look like an electrician, I don’t think so, ” Paul says.
A few minutes later Kate says, “Honey, you need to fix the porch step before someone gets hurt on it.”
Paul quickly replies, “Who do I look like a carpenter, I don’t think so.”
Frustrated, he gets up and leaves.
He decides to go to a bar down the road.
After the game was over, he began to feel slightly guilty for the way he treated his wife so he went on home.
He comes up the porch and realizes that the step is fixed.
He walked into the house and noticed that the hall light was fixed.
He walked into the kitchen to get a cold beer and noticed that the fridge was fixed.
Paul sees his wife and says, “Babe, how did you fix all this.”
She looked at him and said, “Well after you left I began to cry on the porch.
A fine young man walked past and noticed I was crying and he asked me what he could do to help.
He fixed everything.
I asked him what I could do for payment.
He said I could either bake him a cake or sleep with him.”
Paul says, “Well, what kind of cake did you bake him?”
Kate looks at him and replies, “Who do I look like Betty Crocker, I don’t think so!”
—————————————————————————————————————————————————————-
10 Things Not To Tell Your Boyfriend
10. Oh come on! Who’s gonna find out?
9. Well, your brother likes it this way.
8. Eeewww! Put that back in your shorts!
7. Dare to compare?
6. Can you go to the store and get me some tampons?
5. Is it supposed to bend that way?
4. Can I twist your wiener into a poodle?
3. Just go away I can finish myself!
2. I’m pregnant. . . . Ha just kidding!
1. Is it in yet?
—————————————————————————————————————————————————————-
Shopping for a Husband
A store that sells husbands has just opened where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is composed of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights.
There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.
So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 – These men have jobs.
The woman reads the sign and says to herself, “Well, that’s better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what’s further up?” So up she goes.
The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 – These men have jobs and love kids.
The woman remarks to herself, “That’s great, but I wonder what’s further up?” And up she goes again.
The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 – These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking.
“Hmmm, better” she says. “But I wonder what’s upstairs?”
The fourth floor sign reads:
Floor 4 – These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework.
“Wow!” exclaims the woman, “very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!” And again she heads up another flight.
The fifth floor sign reads:
Floor 5 – These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.
“Oh, mercy me! But just think… what must be awaiting me further on?” So up to the sixth floor she goes.
The sixth floor sign reads:
Floor 6 – You are visitor 6,875,953,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
—————————————————————————————————————————————————————-
Satan’s Sister
One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Smithville wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives, their families, etc.
Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!! Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate.
Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sit calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God’s ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit.
Satan walks up to the man and says, “Hey, don’t you know who I am?”
The man says, “Yep, sure do.”
Satan says, “Well, aren’t you afraid of me?”
The man says, “Nope, sure ain’t.”
Satan, perturbed, says, “And why aren’t you afraid of me?”
“Well, I’ve been married to your sister for 25 years.”
—————————————————————————————————————————————————————-
No Taking For 30 Days
One night a man walks into a bar looking sad. The bartender asks the man what he wants.
The man says “Oh just a beer”.
The bartender asked the man “Whats wrong,why are you so down today?”.
The man said “My wife and i got into a fight,and she said she would’nt talk to me for a month”.
The bartender said “So whats wrong with that”?
The man siad “Well the month is up tonight”.
—————————————————————————————————————————————————————-
More Moaning
Morris comes home to find his wife, Sadie, crying. “I found out from Mrs. Goldberg that you’ve been having an affair with that cheap secretary in your office. Why would you do that to me? Haven’t I always been the good wife? I’ve cooked for you, raised your children, and I’ve always been by your side for thirty-five years. What haven’t I done to make you happy?”
Embarrassed, Morris confesses, “It’s true, Sadie, you’ve been the best wife a man could hope for. You make me happy in all ways but one. You don’t moan when we have sex!”
Sadie questions: “If I moaned when we had sex, you’d stop running around?! All right, come to the bedroom so I can show you that I, too, can moan during sex!”
So they retire to the bedroom, get undressed, and climb beneath the sheets. As they begin to kiss, Sadie asks, “Now, Morris, should I moan now?” “No not yet.”
Morris begins fondling Sadie. “What about now, Morris? Should I moan now?” “No, I’ll tell you when!”
He climbs on top of Sophie and begins to have intercourse. “Is it time for me to moan, Morris?” “Wait, I’ll tell you when.”
Moments later, in the heat of passion, seconds before reaching climax, Morris yells “Now, Sadie, moan! MOAN!”
“OY! You wouldn’t BELIEVE what a day I had!”
—————————————————————————————————————————————————————-
I hope you enjoyed these sex jokes 🙂

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Fiction

Mom’s Cum Tribute IV

A week had passed by since my mom had allowed me to cum all over. She seemed to be keeping her distance from me as well as gave me uneasy looks. My friends still came over nearly every day to jerk off to her, but as for my cum tributes, they had stopped.

Fiction

My Sister and Me – Swinging into the New Year 2 – Happy New Year

Mike finally has an invite to a couple’s swinging into the new year party, but his partner can’t go. Would he not get to fuck the gorgeous girl of his fantasies, whom he saw at the last party, a party he was working at? Well, to make things worse, the hot girl of his dreams was actually his 16 year old sister. Fucked up? Yup, and since both of them are dateless, she wants him to take her to the party – but no sex. What will happen?

True Story

Angel, Bell & Me Chapter 2

Angel, Me, Bell
Ok, here is chapter 2 of my adventure with my friend and her female dog
After our first meeting at Angels house we never did go back to a motel. Any time she wanted me, she would IM me and we would set up a time together. Our next play time was on a Saturday morning. We had talked about how Bell wanted to be included in our play time and I told Angel that I really enjoyed Bell being there with us. When I arrived at Angels house, she had on just a bra and matching panties. Bell greeted me by jumping on me and she wouldn’t leave me alone.
Angel had a small bedroom in the basement so we went there for our play time. Angel laid down on the bed, on her tummy and I unfastened her bra and let it lay on the bed and I began by taking my oil out and squirting a lot on her back. I worked my slippery hands all over her back for several minutes until the oil was all gone. Then I worked my way down until I reached her ass, covered by her panties. I slide them down off her ass and squirted more oil on her. There was enough oil that it ran between the crack of her ass and I massaged each cheek and let my hand glide between her crack and over her anus. As I continued I would run my finger over her anus and each time would rum it a little harder until I had it nice and loose. She asked me to work on her back some more, so I got up on the bed, straddled her, and began working on her back. I haven’t mentioned Bell yet because she was just laying on the floor, watching what was going on. This time, as I worked on her back, I was kneeling so that my cock was buried between the cheeks of her ass. Every time I moved forward, I would slide between her ass cheeks and my cock would push against her anus. She didn’t say anything, so I would work my cock deeper and deeper into he cheeks, against her ass hole, till I finally penetrated her ass. She began to moan, so I pushed deeper till I was all the way in her ass. She let me fuck her ass for a few minutes but before I unloaded in her, I took my cock out of her ass and told her to turn over.
As she turned over onto her back, I removed her oil soaked panties and through them on the floor. Bell immediately went over to them and began sniffing them and then she started licking them. Angel looked very relaxed, so I went to work massaging her chest. Her nipples were hard so I took one of them into my mouth and sucked it. Then I went back and forth between each nipple. Bell saw that I had kneeled on the floor, so she came over and began licking my penis. She was doing a great job, licking the oil and ass juices off of it that I almost unloaded right there. I managed to push Bell away, and went back to giving Angels breast a good massage. I worked my way down the front of her body until I got to her vagina and I stopped and she spread her legs wide apart. She thought I was reaching for the oil, but I was repositioning myself so I could do what I love doing the most, licking and sucking her pussy.
I was also ready for Bell to do what she does so well and I let her start licking my cock again. Bell wrapped her tongue around my cock and licked like she was after something.
I began licking Angel’s pussy, starting at the top and running my tongue all over her lips till I reached her anus. I did this for a few minutes and then I consentrated on just her clit. The clit got hard, even though her clit isn’t very long, I could feel it growing as I lickded it. Angel laid there, eyes closed, enjoying my tongue giving her oral pleasure. Bell kept licking my cock. I could feel precum dripping out the end and as it came out Bell would lick it off the end. This was sending me over the edge and I was having a hard time licking Angel’s clit, but I kept on sucking her, waiting for her to give me a mouth full of her juices. Angel opened her eyes and could see what Bell was doing to me and that seemed to get her more excited. I could fell Angel start to tighten her legs around my head, I knew she was about to let go of all her cum. I licked her faster, all the time Bell was licking my cock. I was just about there, and Angel was ready to cum. I licked her clit and I began nibbling on it. That was all it took and Angel let go with stream of cum that filled my mouth. As she was filling my mouth, I let go of my cum, all over Bell and the bedroom floor. We both were totally satisfied and cuddled for a few minutes before Angel had to get ready to go to church.
Angel went off to church, I went home, waiting for the next IM invitation!
Angel and I chatted on IM the next day and she told me how much fun she had and that she couldn’t wait untill her boyfriend got home so she could get him to fuck her. She said that I had promed her for him. I took that as a compliment and she said that when he went back to work, she would be contacting me again. We continued to chat for a while that night and I found out that she loved being shaved but that her bf wouldn’t shave her. I told her that the next time we got together I would gladly give her pussy a clean shave. She told me to bring my razor and shaving cream and she would let me shave her. I could hardly waith until the next Saturday and her IM, asking me to come over again.

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Fiction

The Mom Incident

The Mom Incident
It started as a normal day for Ginger, her husband went to work and her son was off to school. The house work was always there and she wasn’t in the mood to clean today. Perhaps a visit to the new lingerie boutique at the mall was what she needed.
Upon arrival at the store she was amazed at the cost of there merchandise, my god she thought $95 for one outfit. It might be worth it as Russell her husband was more interested in golf these days then her.
Ginger was short five foot tall, around 145 lbs which had settled in her tits which were 36D’s and her ass. She had red hair, a great smile and as she had heard Russell’s friends say breeder hips. She enjoyed sex and not having any in six months was getting frustrating. Perhaps this outfit would spice her life up. After her purchase she stopped for a cup of coffee where the server tried to hit on her. Although she felt flattered he couldn’t have been more then 17 or 18, slightly older then her son.
He continued to make conversation and she noticed a slight bulge in his pants. Well at least he enjoys looking at me was her first thought. As she got up to leave he handed her a note which read, my name is Albert and a phone number. Smiling coyly at him she tucked the not in her bag, gave him a generous tip and headed for her car.
Once in the car she looked at the note. I should call him what harm can it do she thought, besides he liked looking at my tits. Dialing the number it rang three times before he answered with “Al here who is this”? Taking a deep breath she replied, “Hi I’m Ginger you gave me your number remember”? Al was shocked this was great, “Hi Ginger how are you”? “I’m fine, why did give me your name and number”? Al took a few seconds before answering. “How else can we go out if we don’t have each others phone numbers and names”? Go out with a 18 year old, Ginger what the hell are you thinking girl. “Well before we get ahead of our selves perhaps you can tell me a little about yourself”.
For the entire drive home he told her about how he had just quit school and wanted to become a musician. He took any job he could find where he worked during the day so he could work on his music at night. He explained he played best when he smoked pot, but only did it on an occasional base. He hadn’t had a girl friend in about a year and was looking for a date.
Ginger asked “Don’t you think I’m a little old for you”? Al laughed, “No way what are you thirty two or three”? This was a great compliment as she was going to be forty four on her birthday. She decided to lie and responded with “You guessed it thirty two”. She told him she was married but things weren’t going great and she needed outside interests. Al asked her what outfit she had bought at the boutique. Without any hesitation she replies, “Yellow bra and panties with black garter belt and stockings, and six inch heels”. “Wow I would sure like to see them on you”. She was giggling and coyly “Whispered perhaps someday.
They chatted for another few minutes, at that point Al asked her to come over to his place Friday night. “I’ll have to get back to you on that”. They both said good by and hung up.
It would be nice to go out on a date with a young guy she thought they have unbelievable stamina. How would I pull it off? From that point forward they talked at least twice a day. They became comfortable with each other and discussed getting together often. If only she could? The next two weeks went by with no opportunity for her to get away. Wednesday afternoon fate stepped in. She was cleaning when the phone rang it was Russell. “Hi honey, what’s up”? “Ginger they just asked me to go to our London office”. “Oh really, when”? “They want me to leave Friday, for the rest of the month to work on the Galaxo merger”. “Well we’ll talk about it tonight”. They hung up and she thought well now Al and I may be able to get together.
Thursday evening Russell packed for the long flight Friday and left at his usual time Friday morning. Her son Terry and her sat at the kitchen table discussing the trip and perhaps they would go over for a long weekend in a few weeks. Terry seemed up for the trip. Once he was gone she called Al. She explained they might be able to get together if wanted to. His delight was overwhelming he was so excited he could hardly contain himself. When, what time, what day, finally she cut him off and explained she would call later with the details. Before they hung up he asked “Any chance you can wear the outfit you bought at the boutique for me”? Her reply was “We’ll see”.
Terry got home from school at around two and was on the phone in his room for about twenty minutes before he came down stairs. “Mom, can I go with Stan’s family to there cabin tonight”? Well this was perfect both of them would be out for the weekend. “Sure honey, are they going to pick you up or do I have to drive you over”? “No they’ll be picking me up, his dad wants to get an early start to beat the weekend traffic”. “They’ll be here in about an hour”. “Ok go pack your stuff”.
No sooner had Terry left the house then she called Al. “Hi Al, I was wondering about getting together tonight, does that work for you”? “Sure does except my guitar player and I are putting the final touches on a new number we’ve been working on”. “Why not come over and listen to us”? “Afterwards we can get pizza”.
“Ok give me your address”. The next several hours she fixed herself and kept looking at the outfit. Oh hell put it on it makes you feel sexy so why not. Besides it’s not like your going to fuck him. Taking great pain to look her best she was ready to leave by 6:30.
Once in the car she called him and they chatted until she pulled up at his apartment. Parking the car she entered the building. She started looking for unit number 330. The unit was on the third floor at the end of the hall. Taking a deep breath she knocked and the door opened. Al stood there in boxer shorts and nothing else. “Hi Ginger”. He bent over and kissed her. “Come in, this is Frank”. The two exchanged hellos, “Ginger please sit down”. “You really look great”. “Thank you”. They were working on this particular part of a song and just weren’t getting it right.
Al went to the kitchen and brought back three large joints and beers, “We need to chill out for a while before we can get back to the piece”. Before she realized it they lit up. All three were smoking and talking about the music. Soon the pot was taking an effect as she was feeling very mellow and very horny.
Al told Frank about Gingers visit to the boutique, “Have you seen the outfit she bought”? “No” replied Al. “I sure would like to”. Ginger giggled the guys got up and came over and sat next to her on the sofa. Al leaned into her and kissed her full on the mouth, there tongues inter locked. Frank was messaging her left breast and her nipples were rock hard. Al removed his tongue and Frank put his tongue down her throat while Al messaged her right breast. She felt a warm wetness between her legs, this feels wonderful was her thought. This continued for at least ten minutes she was wet, hot and horny. Finally they all came up for air, Ginger was breathing very heavily as Al spoke. “Ginger did you bring the outfit”? Smiling coyly she stood up and asked, “Bathroom please”. As she headed for the bathroom she realized both guys had huge hard ons.
She entered the bathroom and looked in the mirror, girl these guys are as horny as you are. They seem to have good size cocks and you did wear the outfit. She kept asking herself if I go out there in this outfit they will realize I’m in the mood. What should I do? I hope they have rubbers. Finally she made a decision five minutes later she emerged from the bathroom. Both guys gave her a big smile. Frank spoke first,” Ginger come sit here between us”. “Ok but do you like my look”? From the looks of the bulges she didn’t need an answer. She sat between them.
Frank kissed her breast and immediately starting rubbing her clit through her panties. She spread her legs so he could get easy access. Al unhook her bra and it fell to the floor, her nipples were rock hard and her breathing had quicken as she felt a wave starting to sweep over her. She moaned, grabbed Franks hand as she started to spasm with delight. Frank looked into her eyes, “Let’s go to the bedroom”. The three of them got up and went in the room. Frank kissed her passionately on the mouth “Ginger please take off your panties”? Hooking the waistband of the flimsy material she wiggled her hips and down they came. Before leaving the house she had trimmed her bush so it was nicely cropped. “You are beautiful”, said Frank. Ginger looked into his eyes, “Honey fuck me”. Frank laid her on the bed and she spread wide as he got between her legs. He rubbed his cock head up and down her wet pussy several time and then gently slipped the head in. She felt a slight pressure then he was in. He had a large cock, bigger then her husband. “Go slow baby, I need to get use to that big cock of yours”. He worked up and down slowly but continued to push deeper and deeper until he felt the bottom of her pussy. “Ugh oh” was all they heard from her as he was now balls deep and his pumping had quicken. Grabbing his shoulder and pulling him close she whispered, ”Baby shoot a big load deep in me please”. She just kept moaning until the wave of passion overtook her and she climaxed violently screaming with pleasure.
Frank exploded deep in her and it felt wonderful, hot cum was being pumped deep into her womb. They both lay there waiting for there breath to slow down.
Frank moved off and Al got between her legs, her pussy was leaking cum so his cock slipped right in with no trouble he went balls deep. “Honey you feel great pump slowly so we can enjoy it”. Al rhythm was slow at first the started to quicken. Her pussy was milking his cock, he pushed deeper, and she felt him stiffen and cum exploded out of his cock, hot cum once again flooding her womb. This caused another orgasm for her and she screamed and moaned with pleasure.
Al rolled off, she was really leaking cum. “Honey give me my panties so I don’t dribble all over the bed” Frank handed them to her and she pulled them on. “At least the cum will stay where you guys put it she said with a laugh”.
“Ginger you have one tight pussy it was great”. “Thank you Frank, your cock is really great”. “Both your cocks are really great”. “Right now my pussy isn’t as tight as it was as its very wet”. They all just sat there with big smiles. Ginger knew she needed that. “Ginger”? “Yes Frank” “How about a blow job”? “Well I suppose so on one condition”. “Which is” “You both fuck me again”.
“You’ve got a deal”.
Ginger got on her knees, she took Franks cock and kissed the head, swirled her tongue around it and took it deep in her mouth. It had been a long time since anyone had asked her for a blow job and she was going to do her best. She sucked it deeply while messaging his nut sack. She kept up a slow motion of in and out while her tongue swirled around the head. She felt a warm feeling between her legs, another orgasm was coming. He pace quicken, she sucked the cock as deep as she could, he grabbed her head and held it in place as he shot spurt after spurt in her mouth. She swallowed once and pulled her head back so the remaining cum filled her mouth. His dick went lips, looking up in his eyes she opened her mouth to show him the load, closed her lips and swallowed.
Al and Frank both smiled you like cum don’t you“? Her response was “I sure do, Al baby would you like a blow job”? Al was on his feet with his cock in her mouth instantly.
She sucked Al’s cock just as she had Franks and as his cum filled her mouth she had yet another orgasm. She thought she saw stars.
They sat on the bed looking at each other; all Ginger could think about was I hope they can fuck me again. After about two hours of talking, Frank looked at her rolled on his back and said “Baby get on my dick”. “I thought you’d never ask, she said with a laugh”. She pulled her panties down and impaled herself on the rock hard cock. She was working it in and out, it felt wonderful as cum was still leaking out of her. Feeling pressure on her rectum she realized Al was going to butt fuck her. His cock was lubed up really well and it slipped in quite easily. She started crying as his cock went balls deep into her ass. Now she realized the cock heads were touching each other only being separated by a sheer membrane. It hurt but felt great at the same time. They work up a rhythm she started moaning and crying at the same time. Al came first and she felt her ass being flooded with hot cum, the feeling caused Frank to cum and her pussy was rewarded with another sperm bath. Which cause her to orgasm yet again really hard?
As there cocks plopped out she looked like a well fucked women and they all laughed at the comment. She told them “I’ve never been double fucked in my life much less had my ass fucked”. Al smiled at her “So what do you think” “Well I might be walking a little funny but I could get use to it if I practice a lot”.
They all lay there together and dozed off. When she woke up it had to be six thirty in the morning. Opening her eyes she realized the time. “Oh shit I’m screwed”, she sprang out of bed grabbed her clothes and was almost dressed before either guy was wide awake.
“Guys I’ve got to go, I’ll call you later” she was out the door and in her car in two minutes. The entire drive home she kept reviewing the events of the previous evening. My butt is sore as hell and my pussy feels almost the same but I feel great, at least well fucked she thought. I didn’t brush my teeth I can still taste there cum, in my mouth I’m such a whore, and she laughed. Once home she checked the answering machine, well no messages. Then a shower clean clothes and coffee.
She called Al and thanked him for a wonderful time. They joked about her walking and she told him yes in fact she was walking funny but could get very use to the feeling if he and Frank wouldn’t mind practicing with her. Al told her both guys were very willing to practice all she wanted. “I’ll call you Sunday sweetie and she hung up.
Sunday Terry came home and after a snack went to his room. She heard him on the phone but couldn’t hear who he was talking to. Since she needed a few things she called to Terry she was going out did he need anything and since he yelled back no she went out.
It took longer then she expected and didn’t get home for almost two hours. After putting the groceries away she headed up stairs, Terry’s door was closed but she heard voices. Knocking she opening the door her mouth fell open. Terry was on his bed watching his computer screen naked with his cock rock hard in hand. Sitting in the chairs were Al and Frank. They had rock hard cocks in hand too.
Terry smiles, “Mom you’re a porn queen”. “I am”? “Sure are we’ve watched the video twice already”. “They were videoing me”? Al and Frank stood up walked over to her and started taking her clothes off. Frank smiled, “Were going to do some practicing”. Hesitating she said ”My sons in the room”. Frank spoke “He wants that pussy and ass too”. “Really you do Terry”? As her bra feel to the floor she looked at her son, then her panties were slide down. They moved her to the bed where Al laid down cock straight up. Coyly she asked “For me”? “Sure is Ginger”. As she lowered herself onto the stiff cock Terry said “Mom I want a blow job like you gave the guys Friday, ok”? Since Terry’s cock was already in her mouth all she could do was grunt yes.
The three cocks worked slowly at first then gradually started to quicken the pace. Her sons cock twitched, he grabbed her by the head pushed his cock deep down her throat and blew a large spurt of cum down her throat. Pushing him back so the head was still in her mouth she continued to suck as spurt after spurt filled her mouth. He spurted six times before it stopped. His dick plopped out and she showed him the generous load of cum in her mouth then closed her lips and swallowed. The other two cocks were working her to a feverous pace and the fire between her legs burst like a dam. The orgasm was wondrous and a moment later her bowels were rewarded with a generous load of hot sticky cum. Thirty seconds later her hips were pulled deep on the cock and her pussy received a deep sperm shower.
The three lay there letting there breathing return to normal. Terry looks at her “Mom, the guys will be staying with us until dad gets home”. “In the next few weeks you will be practiced with every day at least twice”. “Unless you have to go out all you need to wear are panties in the house”. “Oh”? “We really like your tits bouncing around” Al chimed up with “The big wet stains in the front and back of your panties look really sexy too”. She smiled “I could not do it without you guys, but this must be our secret, right”? “Ginger got up and headed for the shower, how do I get myself into these things? Later we must discuss condoms. All they want me in is panties, guess I have to go shopping soon.

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